Monty Python's Iliadyssey
by abfiaj
Summary: The combined stories of Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. And remember, wars are not about money or power, they're about paranoid inspectors, attempted suicides, gods with rude table manners, and the new Scene 3.
1. Agamemnon's Corn Chips

(**FOR EVERYONE'S CONVENIENCE, EVERY TIME I INTRODUCE A NEW CHARACTER, I WILL GIVE THE NAME OF THE PYTHON MEMBER WHO I ENVISIONED IN THE ROLE. IF NO NAME IS GIVEN WHEN A NEW CHARACTER IS INTRODUCED, THEN IT IS SOME OTHER PERSON.)**

(Two people are walking down a path, talking.)

Person #1 (JOHN CLEESE): So I says to him, "Theseus didn't really beat the Minotaur!"

Person #2 (ERIC IDLE): Are you mad? Of course he did! Why was it that when he went into the labyrinth, he came out with blood all over him?

Person #1: Simple! He bit himself!

Person #2: He bit himself? He can't bite himself!

Person #1: Why not?

Person #2: Theseus had rabies! Why do you think he never met his father?

Person #1: People can't get rabies! Only animals can!

Person #2: But people are animals, right? Take your mother for example.

Person #1: Don't speak that way about my mother!

(They attack each other.)

Narrator (MICHAEL PALIN): This is a common example of the incompetence of man. There is, of course, one greater example of such a thing: the Iliadyssey, the story of Odysseus and his loyal band of soldiers who fought in Troy and then tried to get home. Good luck, kiddos.

MONTY PYTHON'S ILIADYSSEY

(An annoyingly short song starts playing.)

Chorus: Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!

Odysseus and the Iliadessey!

He fought in Troy, and left for home!

He'd have been better off if he sailed to Rome!

Odyseeus and the Iliadyssey!

Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!

His men were brave, but sometimes scared!

From many many people was our hero bewared!

Odyseeus and the Iliadyssey!

Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!

Odyseeus and the Iliadyssey!

Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!

_**Scene One: Agamemnon's Sacred Corn Chips**_

Menelaus (TERRY JONES): Ah, good morning, Agamemnon!

Agamemnon (JOHN CLEESE): Mornin', Menelaus!

Menelaus: What are you up to?

Agamemnon: I'm giving a sacrifice to Apollo.

Menelaus: Another one of your prized boars, then?

Agamemnon: No.

Menelaus: Then what?

Agamemnon: My corn chips.

Menelaus: (surprised and hungry) Oh! Well, that's all well and good to give a god corn chips, but twenty chips is not nearly enough for Apollo. Why don't you go get twenty more?

Agamemnon: But Apollo's not a hungry god.

Menelaus: Agamemnon, let me tell you something. Just last night, I was sacrificing a ram to Apollo, and I left it on the altar for five hours. When I came back, the ram came back, and it smelled horrible and flies were hovering around it.

Agamemnon: (gasps) You mean, the sign of the food of the gods?

Menelaus: Correct! The smell and flies clearly showed me that Apollo had eaten the good part of the ram, but left the rest with me as a sign that he was still hungry! So go get more corn chips!

Agamemnon: Good thinking, Menelaus!

(He runs off to get more corn chips.)

Menelaus: Yum! Corn chips!

(He eats the corn chips one by one and then runs away when he sees Agamemnon coming.)

Agamemnon: Menelaus? Menelaus? (sees empty altar) Menelaus, you ass! You ate my corn chips!

(He lays out the twenty corn chips. Odysseus walks his way.)

Odysseus (GRAHAM CHAPMAN): Good morning, Agamemnon!

Agamemnon: Mornin', Odysseus.

Odysseus: Ah, I see you're about to sacrifice your corn chips. How many chips are you planning on giving?

Agamemnon: Twenty.

Odysseus: Well, that seems decent enough, but once you eat corn chips, you get thirsty, right?

Agamemnon: Well, yeah.

Odysseus: So go get something for Apollo to drink and I'll stay here with the corn chips.

Agamemnon: Okay, but just don't eat them.

Odysseus: Scout's honor.

Agamemnon: Right. (walks off)

Odysseus: Thank heavens I was never a scout.

(He takes the corn chips and runs. Agamemnon walks back, carrying a jug of water.)

Agamemnon: Odysseus? (gasps) My corn chips! Odysseus, you b…

Achilles (ERIC IDLE): Beautiful day, innit? Oh, hi, Agamemnon!

Agamemnon: Oh, no! Not you too! You came all this way just to say (whiny mocking voice) "Oh, Agamemnon, you forgot the parsley! Gods love it when you garnish their water with parsley! You go get the parsley and I'll stay here!" Then when I leave, you'll steal the water, just like Menelaus and Odysseus stole my corn chips!

Achilles: Funny you should mention…

Agamemnon: Forget it! I'm taking my water and bringing it someplace else!

(He walks off and Achilles scratches his head.)

Achilles: (calling) Then you won't be needing my corn chips, then?

Stay tuned for Scene 2: Paris in Troy! (P.S. R&R!)


	2. Paris in Troy

_**Scene 2: Paris in Troy**_

(A crowd of people is gathered around the sheep fields, making a circle around a lone man standing on a rock.)

Paris (MICHAEL PALIN): Citizens of Troy, I, your prince, have an announcement to make!

Random Trojan (ERIC IDLE): You're dying and leaving the kingdom to us so we can have a republic?

Paris: Don't be silly. First of all, republics won't be established for over 1000 years from now! Secondly, how can I be dying if I'm standing on this rock and talking to you right now?

Random Trojan #2 (TERRY GILLIAM): You could have mad cow disease!

Paris: Don't be absurd! I'm a shepherd, not a cowherd!

Random Trojan: You could have mad sheep disease!

Paris: Will you shut up! (quiets down) Yesterday, I was visited by the goddesses Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera. They had been given a golden apple, but they had a problem.

Random Trojan: They needed to borrow a knife from you so they could share it!

Paris: Of course not! Anyway, they told me that the apple was for the fairest, and they chose me to decide which one of them was the fairest.

Random Trojan #2: Why you?

Paris: They knew I would be impartial and unbiased!

Random Trojan: Then why'd they go to you? Last Olympics, you cheated and made your favorite team win! Explain that!

Crowd Members: Yeah! Explain that! Try getting out of that one!

Paris: (annoyed) We don't _have_ the Olympics. They're held in Sparta.

Random Trojan: S' part of what? (laughs)

Paris: Shut up! (quiets) Now then, the three goddesses made me individual offers. Hera promised to make me a powerful king, and Athena promised to make me a powerful warrior. But Aphrodite promised me the most beautiful woman of all. And guess who I picked.

Random Trojan: Hera!

Random Trojan #2: Athena!

Random Trojan #3 (TERRY JONES): Dionysus!

Paris: What?

Random Trojan #3: Sorry!

Paris: _As I was saying_, I picked Aphrodite, and so I now know that Helen of Sparta is the most beautiful woman in the world. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, the fair maiden is already married to King Menelaus. I wish to gather a few men together who can work a ship well so that I may be able to take Helen from Sparta back to Troy, so that I, Paris, may make her my own!

Random Trojan: What did you say?

Paris: I said, "So that I, Paris…"

Random Trojan: Yeah, that's the bit that bothers me.

Paris: What's the matter with it?

Random Trojan: Well, Paris is in France. You can't be Paris. You're in Troy.

Paris: No, that's my name!

Random Trojan: No, Paris is the city Paris's name. Look, come on and quit it! You're not Paris! All you are is the prince!

Paris: Correct! Prince Paris!

Random Trojan: Now that's oppression! He thinks he's as mighty as a town we shouldn't even know about!

Paris: Look, we have a lot of things that come from France! For instance, a few beautiful tapestries, French fries…

Random Trojan #3: No, fries are made in grease! (laughs)

Random Trojan: He's right! (laughs)

Paris: They don't make French fries in Greece! If they did, they would be called Greek fries!

Random Trojan #3: No, they're made in grease! You know, the fattening…

Paris: Fattening? Do you mean to say that the Greeks are fattening their empire?

Random Trojan #3: No, that's not…

Paris: Very well! Come, loyal subjects! We must save Helen from the fattening of Greece! Follow me!

(Everyone follows Paris except for Random Trojan #2)

Random Trojan #2: Wait a minute! France hasn't even been discovered yet! Fellows! Fellows? (grumbles) Oh, well.

_**Stay tuned for Scene 3: Menelaus Recruits the Men!**_


	3. Menelaus Recruits the Men

_**Scene 3: Menelaus Recruits the Men**_

(The Greek soldiers are having drinks in a bar.)

Agamemnon: Right, so what's been going on?

Odysseus: I dunno. What about you, Eurylochus?

Eurylochus (MICHAEL PALIN): I think someone kidnapped Menelaus' wife last night.

Achilles: Oh. Well, that's a darn shame.

Pidies (TERRY JONES): Ale!

Agamemnon: Are you okay, Pidies?

Pidies: Ale!

Achilles: Did you have a bit too much?

Pidies: Ale!

Graham Chapman: I'll take him outside.

(Odysseus leads Pidies outside. A loud vomit is heard. Meanwhile, Menelaus enters through the front.)

Menelaus: Oh, my friends! I beg of you, help me now in my time of grief!

Eurylochus: What's the matter, Menelaus?

Menelaus: My wife is gone! Taken! Snatched!

Eurylochus: Oh, that. (pause) Want a beer?

Menelaus: No, I do not _want a beer_! My wife has been kidnapped, and I need the best soldiers in all of Sparta to go and rescue her!

Agamemnon: Well, what about some ale?

Menelaus: What?

Agamemnon: You said you didn't want a beer. Do you want some ale?

Menelaus: Haven't you been listening to a thing I just said? My wife is missing, and I need you fellows to be part of the army I'm sending out to rescue her!

Achilles: All right, you don't want beer or ale. What about whiskey?

Menelaus: Look, I don't have… whiskey? Okay.

Agamemnon: Right! Barman! One whiskey!

Barman: Here you are, sir.

Menelaus: (takes whiskey) Thank you. (to soldiers) Now, then. Would you fellows be willing to sail to Troy and rescue my wife?

Eurylochus: What kind of ship do we get?

Menelaus: A really, really big one!

Eurylochus: Well, I'm convinced! What about the rest of you?

Agamemnon: Do I _have_ to bring my wife with me?

Menelaus: Nobody said you were going to.

Agamemnon: Good. I'll go, then.

Achilles: I'll go as long as I can fight.

Menelaus: Achilles, in what kind of war don't you fight in?

Achilles: One that you don't fight in, of course!

Menelaus: What? Whatever. Now, what about you, Ody… (looks around) Where's Odysseus?

Achilles: Pidies got a bit too drunk. Odysseus took him outside.

Menelaus: Well, I'll just assume he wants to go. Goodbye, all.

Agamemnon, Achilles, and Eurylochus: Bye, Menelaus.

(Menelaus walks out as Odysseus and Pidies walk back in.)

Odysseus: Was that Menelaus who was just here?

Eurylochus: Yep, and all of us are going to Troy to get his wife Helen back.

Odysseus: All of us? I can't go! I have a son to look after! I've got a lovely wife! We all have lovely wives!

Agamemnon: Speak for yourself.

Achilles: Why are you always on about your wife, Agamemnon?

Agamemnon: She's loud, obnoxious, and she snores.

Pidies: (hiccups) Lucky you!

Agamemnon: What's that mean?

Pidies: (hiccups) Me wife's a fox.

Achilles: How so?

Pidies: Well, (hiccups) she's got a bushy tail, red fur, and pointy ears.

Odysseus: You mean your wife's really a fox?

Pidies: Yep. (hiccups) 'Spect Helen's a human, right?

Eurylochus: Of course she is! What do you expect her to be? Another fox?

Barman: That's 95 firds.

Agamemnon: What?

Barman: 95 firds.

Eurylochus: What in the bloody hell are firds?

Barman: The new currency. Yesterday the gods decided to make a new currency called firds. Now who's payin'?

Agamemnon: How could we have firds if we don't know what the heck they are?

Barman: The gods designated it so. Now pay up, or sacrifice yourselves to the gods!

Eurylochus: Now, see here, my good man…

Barman: I can't see! I'm blind! You, sir, are an evil, pretentious, lying cad!

Eurylochus: Do you see this armor? Do you see it, pal? _Royal Greek Army_. Look at it.

Barman: I can't, you moron! I'm blind!

Eurylochus: Smell it, then.

Barman: I'm not smelling your armor! I just want my firds!

Odysseus: But there's no such thing as firds! Besides, nobody here is going to pay that way! Right, fellows?

(He looks around, but the other soldiers have disappeared.)

Odysseus: You sneaky bastards!

Barman: That's it. Only way you can get out of paying is joinin' the fight for Helen.

Odysseus: _What?_ But that's not fair!

Barman: You're right, it's not a fair, and it's not a carnival either. Either you go fight for Helen, or I make you clean my stables.

Odysseus: All right, all right! I'll go! I'll just leave my wife and child behind and go!

Barman: Good. Off you go, then.

Odysseus: Idiot.

Barman: I heard that!

(Odysseus leaves. Menelaus walks in from the back.)

Menelaus: Nice work, barman.

Barman: None at all, Menney. Now, asking me to help you get Odysseus to join up is going to cost you 45 firds.

Menelaus: What's a fird?

Barman: That's it!

(He picks up a dagger and stabs himself.)

Menelaus: Shame, such a nice fellow.

_**Stay tuned for Scene 4: Paris's Lousy Army**_


End file.
